On most nights, I hit the bed around 10. On most nights, it takes me a good amount of time to fall asleep. Things that have been or could be race through my mind. For a long time, and sometimes still, I keep things to myself. I have known people who speak their mind freely. And, while at times it was inspiring, it was also at times offensive. As an angsty teen, I wrote a lot. Of course, it was all kept personal back then. Rightfully so. But it was a release, and after I would scribble all my cares away in a notebook, I would feel better. A few times in adulthood, I have attempted to revisit that, in times of high anxiety and frustration.
So, as much as this has been an opportunity to share something that many people don't even think to care about, it has been for me. It has allowed me to clear my head before bed. To have that introspective moment (or twenty) to myself. At times, the things that come out are spur-of-the-moment and exactly how I feel right then and there. Other times, it's the things that I've thought long and hard about. Tonight, it's both.
I'm not going to apologize for anything. Just going to toss that out there.
Nobody apologized for mocking my desire to write about this. Nor name calling. People I once considered friends. For fuck's sake, some of them family (you know...distant). LITERALLY. It is my sincere belief that the first couple times I decided to share the thoughts racing through my head, I was thoughtful and considerate. It was never my intention to disrespect or offend anyone in Day One and Day Two. Hadn't even crossed my mind. Actually, I tried really hard NOT to. It had absolutely nothing to do with anyone but myself. But as the comments came out the morning of Day Three, I could see the old-school telephone game that had been played the night before and that morning. And I became really disappointed.
Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe it was playful teasing. But when you are ONE PERSON walking through a crowd of people yelling those things, it doesn't exactly feel like it's all in good fun. Did anyone consider that? Had someone made an attempt to say, "hey, you know we're just messing around....you know it's all part of the "show," right," I may have approached things differently.
Had someone approached me to say, "hey, what you said...not cool," I may have thought twice about it. But nobody did. Nobody has said anything. Anything. Had any one of those people actually thought of me as a friend, I would have expected them to confront me and say something. So what's a girl to do? Check herself?
I would love nothing more than to not care about all this. I would love to be able to say, "meh, fuck 'em."
But I do care. Because there were a few people who I really did consider to be friends.
And so, disappointment has plagued me again. So call me a cynic.
Friday, December 6, 2013
The Encore
Work yesterday was awkward, yes. Aside from others who worked alongside me through the strike, there were two (no, no, I take that back....THREE) people who were kind as ever. It was tough. It made it more tough because there were some other people who had crossed who were like, "oh, everyone's been really nice to me." So then, of course, paranoid me thinks, "oh, so it's just me." Granted, being as I knew that some people probably had hard feelings, I didn't go out of my way to talk to anyone either. So was it me? Was it them?
I felt pretty sick to my stomach for most of the day. And, as much as I, again, wanted to share this last night, I hit the bed hard at 8:30. For someone with high anxiety, yesterday was grueling. But I'm tired of feeling like that. I read several posts last night and this morning from friends on Facebook that were inspirational.
I felt pretty sick to my stomach for most of the day. And, as much as I, again, wanted to share this last night, I hit the bed hard at 8:30. For someone with high anxiety, yesterday was grueling. But I'm tired of feeling like that. I read several posts last night and this morning from friends on Facebook that were inspirational.
One posted:
The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.
----------------------------
All great words of wisdom. Obviously, some hit a chord with me more than others. The point is, after reading these positive tidbits here and there, I've made a choice. Yesterday, I avoided people. I looked straight ahead when I walked through the office, avoiding eye contact. I'm not sure why. It felt like the right thing to do at the time. But I remembered that those who avoid eye contact do so when they know they've done something wrong. Maybe others think I have. But I haven't. So today, I'm not going to avoid it. And I'll smile. Because I am a friendly person. And the past is the past. Can't change it. But I can make an effort towards resuming a peaceful (wait...is it possible?) work environment with my co-workers.
After all, life is what you make of it (work included). If I have a negative attitude about it and those around me, nothing will get better. But maybe, just maybe (fingers crossed, but not holding breath), if I make a positive effort...
One last quote...not sure whose it is, but a friend shared it:
"If you scratch the surface of a cynic, inside you will find a disappointed idealist."
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Good old trusty denim
Today marked the final day of the strike.
Tomorrow, all of my co-workers will come back. It will be business...but probably not as usual. Maybe. Maybe not, too. I think I'm feeling more apprehensive about their return than I felt 17 days ago when I first crossed the picket line. And I think a lot of people are feeling the same. As much as I would like to believe that things will go back to how they were before this whole thing began, I think I know better. I trust there will be people who will act no different than before: friendly. I also trust there will be people who will act no different than before: not so friendly. It's the people in-between that I'm not so sure about.
I know that those members of the union who were on strike are really, very proud for what they have accomplished (though, the accomplishment will not be revealed until tomorrow). And I , too, am really truly happy for them and proud of them for standing up for what they believe in, even if I don't believe the same. I can respect someone for practicing what they preach and following through with what they set out to accomplish.
I didn't have very high expectations of what work would be like while everyone else was on strike. I figured it would be tough. Everyone warned that they could "make" me do just about anything. "They could make you work in any department!" And, of course, then I could rack up a bunch of errors! Gasp!
But, I also knew what would be the right choice for me. And it had nothing to do with the type or amount of work that I would have to do. It was doing what I believed to be the responsible thing: go to work. And work. And you know what? I would never, in a million years, make a different choice. Yeah, I made about a paycheck's worth of overtime. Yeah, I got premiere parking for 2 1/2 weeks. Yeah, I got a few meals. And yeah, I got a shit ton of comp time. But I'm not sure that I can fully express how much more I received out of this experience. Just as those on strike are really proud of themselves for sticking together for a common cause, I feel the same way about those of us who worked OUR FUCKING ASSES OFF while they were dancing on the street corner (come on...I can add a little humor here and there). Would I have liked to dance, too? Hell yeah! I love making a fool of myself. But these past few weeks were my time to show that I can be a dedicated employee. And just as much as everyone on strike bound together and forged solid friendships, I'm much closer to the people who were working. And, when the majority of those are the people who manage you, well, it can't be a bad thing. We held it together. The system stayed afloat. But don't worry, we saved plenty of work for everyone. ;)
All day, I've felt about on the verge of crying. This whole experience has been quite overwhelming. I want to cry for relief: I can spend more time at home. I want to cry for pride: I worked so hard. I want to cry for OCD: those full shelves will, slowly but surely, be reduced to an average workload. I want to cry from anxiety: what will tomorrow, the next day, the next week, the next month bring? I want to cry for joy: I can wear jeans again!
Because, as nice as it will be to have the load taken off a bit, I am so, SO excited to wear a pair of motherfucking jeans to work tomorrow. Nobody better even think to ask me to go up to court for even the tiniest thing. Ain't gonna happen.
As I stated before, I am really apprehensive about tomorrow. Like I said a few posts back, I am somebody who does really care about what people think of me. I'm not going to lie about that. I used to. I played the "alternative-don't-give-a-shit" girl for a long time. But, with age, I've gained a sense of honesty, both with myself and others. I guess I just need to remind myself: work is work and friends are friends. I'm not saying that I don't want to be on good terms with my co-workers. I'm just prepping myself in case they don't want to remain cordial. I suppose I should want honesty from them as well. And, if they can't look past our differences in opinion and maintain a positive working environment...so be it. And, if that working environment turns hostile...well, we all know how that last "threat" went. I take care of business. And I look out me.
Well. That's that. Hoping for the best...
Tomorrow, all of my co-workers will come back. It will be business...but probably not as usual. Maybe. Maybe not, too. I think I'm feeling more apprehensive about their return than I felt 17 days ago when I first crossed the picket line. And I think a lot of people are feeling the same. As much as I would like to believe that things will go back to how they were before this whole thing began, I think I know better. I trust there will be people who will act no different than before: friendly. I also trust there will be people who will act no different than before: not so friendly. It's the people in-between that I'm not so sure about.
I know that those members of the union who were on strike are really, very proud for what they have accomplished (though, the accomplishment will not be revealed until tomorrow). And I , too, am really truly happy for them and proud of them for standing up for what they believe in, even if I don't believe the same. I can respect someone for practicing what they preach and following through with what they set out to accomplish.
I didn't have very high expectations of what work would be like while everyone else was on strike. I figured it would be tough. Everyone warned that they could "make" me do just about anything. "They could make you work in any department!" And, of course, then I could rack up a bunch of errors! Gasp!
But, I also knew what would be the right choice for me. And it had nothing to do with the type or amount of work that I would have to do. It was doing what I believed to be the responsible thing: go to work. And work. And you know what? I would never, in a million years, make a different choice. Yeah, I made about a paycheck's worth of overtime. Yeah, I got premiere parking for 2 1/2 weeks. Yeah, I got a few meals. And yeah, I got a shit ton of comp time. But I'm not sure that I can fully express how much more I received out of this experience. Just as those on strike are really proud of themselves for sticking together for a common cause, I feel the same way about those of us who worked OUR FUCKING ASSES OFF while they were dancing on the street corner (come on...I can add a little humor here and there). Would I have liked to dance, too? Hell yeah! I love making a fool of myself. But these past few weeks were my time to show that I can be a dedicated employee. And just as much as everyone on strike bound together and forged solid friendships, I'm much closer to the people who were working. And, when the majority of those are the people who manage you, well, it can't be a bad thing. We held it together. The system stayed afloat. But don't worry, we saved plenty of work for everyone. ;)
All day, I've felt about on the verge of crying. This whole experience has been quite overwhelming. I want to cry for relief: I can spend more time at home. I want to cry for pride: I worked so hard. I want to cry for OCD: those full shelves will, slowly but surely, be reduced to an average workload. I want to cry from anxiety: what will tomorrow, the next day, the next week, the next month bring? I want to cry for joy: I can wear jeans again!
Because, as nice as it will be to have the load taken off a bit, I am so, SO excited to wear a pair of motherfucking jeans to work tomorrow. Nobody better even think to ask me to go up to court for even the tiniest thing. Ain't gonna happen.
As I stated before, I am really apprehensive about tomorrow. Like I said a few posts back, I am somebody who does really care about what people think of me. I'm not going to lie about that. I used to. I played the "alternative-don't-give-a-shit" girl for a long time. But, with age, I've gained a sense of honesty, both with myself and others. I guess I just need to remind myself: work is work and friends are friends. I'm not saying that I don't want to be on good terms with my co-workers. I'm just prepping myself in case they don't want to remain cordial. I suppose I should want honesty from them as well. And, if they can't look past our differences in opinion and maintain a positive working environment...so be it. And, if that working environment turns hostile...well, we all know how that last "threat" went. I take care of business. And I look out me.
Well. That's that. Hoping for the best...
Monday, December 2, 2013
Days Four, Five...Nine...
I've been leaving you hanging, I know. Time flies when you're busy. I swear I started this over a week ago, but got caught up trying to edit a few things here and there, and, well, then I gave up. For 9 days. Plus, holiday. So, yeah.
As I've stated before, what I really want to share is what things are like from this side of a strike. I'm going to try to keep in mind all the things that I learned from the 4 years in journalism class back in the day (my gosh...has it really been 10 years now?!) and remain factual and unbiased in my representations of going to work. With that being said, I'll give a--hopefully brief--synopsis of what a typical day within the past 2 weeks has brought:
*We can start as early as 7:00 am. I generally stick to the regular start time of 8:30.
*When I get in, I get any/everything extra ready for Court. I go to Court every day.
*In my department, there is someone scheduled for each and every courtroom.
*We don't have to take minutes; that's what the orders are for. *Update: started using mini's again today.
*We take care of the important things in court: custodies, quashes, and the like. In between our assistance to whomever requires it, we enter work. *Update: back to (mostly normal) in court. Didn't have time to enter work today.
*No one breaks me. I take a break when I want. They don't miss me when I'm gone.
*When court is done, I come down for lunch. Again, no one has had to break me. The latest I've been in court was almost 1:00. The earliest I've gotten out: 11:30.
*We can take as short of a lunch as we want, or the full hour. We get comp time for any time short of the full hour. My lunches are usually 30-45 minutes.
* After lunch, I timestamp, prioritize, and enter work that needs to be done.
*All my priorities get done. And I've entered all files that are coming up within the next month.
*Mine is the courtroom that has the most work, and so yes, there are several days worth of work to be done. But again, anything of priority or up within the next month has been done.
* I am now at the point of having about 4 days worth of work left to do. I'm sure it will begin accumulating again, but everyone pitches in over the weekend to catch up a bit.
*Some other courtrooms are pretty close to being current and/or are current.
*I've stayed until at least 5:30 every night. We can stay as late as 7:00 pm.
*Week one I accrued 15 hours of overtime. Week two was only 5, but I got double-time for an extra 5 hours on Friday (Black Friday).
I think that about covers a typical day...oh...except the honking and buzzers and shouting and honking and honking and honking. I swear I hear it in my sleep. It is non-stop. I guess there are sometimes work trucks out there that stay running and they put something ON the horn so it just goes...constantly...outside my window. Ibuprofin has been a more prevalent fixture in my days. I suppose it comes with the territory, though.
Overall, we're doing really well. The people who have chosen to come in are kicking butt! And those who must work regardless (managers, supervisors, and the like), well, they are friggin' machines! We may be working hard, but don't take that as a sign of weakness. Would it be nice to have everyone back and for work to proceed at a usual pace? Sure. But there are definitely some pros to this whole thing.
Someone near and dear to me said that I may want to reconsider some things that I said in my last post. But, I figure, what's said is said. I'm sure some people probably took my last comment as a real dig. And, sure, I may have said it as a dig. But many people have taken their opportunity to dig all of us who decided to work, so I don't really feel bad. One person told me that someone said to them on his/her way in, "Because of you, my child isn't going to have a nice Christmas!" And we concluded: No, that's on YOU. Nobody is forcing anyone to do anything. If, as a result of this, you can't afford to buy your child presents, I'm very sorry, but you chose not to work. I really dislike when people don't take responsibility for their own actions.
Life is what you make of it. And, consequently, so is work. I'm still enjoying my job, maybe even more than before. Heck, in an office full of (mostly) women, it sure is nice to have some peace and quiet. Err...aside from that honking. ;)
As I've stated before, what I really want to share is what things are like from this side of a strike. I'm going to try to keep in mind all the things that I learned from the 4 years in journalism class back in the day (my gosh...has it really been 10 years now?!) and remain factual and unbiased in my representations of going to work. With that being said, I'll give a--hopefully brief--synopsis of what a typical day within the past 2 weeks has brought:
*We can start as early as 7:00 am. I generally stick to the regular start time of 8:30.
*When I get in, I get any/everything extra ready for Court. I go to Court every day.
*In my department, there is someone scheduled for each and every courtroom.
*We don't have to take minutes; that's what the orders are for. *Update: started using mini's again today.
*We take care of the important things in court: custodies, quashes, and the like. In between our assistance to whomever requires it, we enter work. *Update: back to (mostly normal) in court. Didn't have time to enter work today.
*No one breaks me. I take a break when I want. They don't miss me when I'm gone.
*When court is done, I come down for lunch. Again, no one has had to break me. The latest I've been in court was almost 1:00. The earliest I've gotten out: 11:30.
*We can take as short of a lunch as we want, or the full hour. We get comp time for any time short of the full hour. My lunches are usually 30-45 minutes.
* After lunch, I timestamp, prioritize, and enter work that needs to be done.
*All my priorities get done. And I've entered all files that are coming up within the next month.
*Mine is the courtroom that has the most work, and so yes, there are several days worth of work to be done. But again, anything of priority or up within the next month has been done.
* I am now at the point of having about 4 days worth of work left to do. I'm sure it will begin accumulating again, but everyone pitches in over the weekend to catch up a bit.
*Some other courtrooms are pretty close to being current and/or are current.
*I've stayed until at least 5:30 every night. We can stay as late as 7:00 pm.
*Week one I accrued 15 hours of overtime. Week two was only 5, but I got double-time for an extra 5 hours on Friday (Black Friday).
I think that about covers a typical day...oh...except the honking and buzzers and shouting and honking and honking and honking. I swear I hear it in my sleep. It is non-stop. I guess there are sometimes work trucks out there that stay running and they put something ON the horn so it just goes...constantly...outside my window. Ibuprofin has been a more prevalent fixture in my days. I suppose it comes with the territory, though.
Overall, we're doing really well. The people who have chosen to come in are kicking butt! And those who must work regardless (managers, supervisors, and the like), well, they are friggin' machines! We may be working hard, but don't take that as a sign of weakness. Would it be nice to have everyone back and for work to proceed at a usual pace? Sure. But there are definitely some pros to this whole thing.
Someone near and dear to me said that I may want to reconsider some things that I said in my last post. But, I figure, what's said is said. I'm sure some people probably took my last comment as a real dig. And, sure, I may have said it as a dig. But many people have taken their opportunity to dig all of us who decided to work, so I don't really feel bad. One person told me that someone said to them on his/her way in, "Because of you, my child isn't going to have a nice Christmas!" And we concluded: No, that's on YOU. Nobody is forcing anyone to do anything. If, as a result of this, you can't afford to buy your child presents, I'm very sorry, but you chose not to work. I really dislike when people don't take responsibility for their own actions.
Life is what you make of it. And, consequently, so is work. I'm still enjoying my job, maybe even more than before. Heck, in an office full of (mostly) women, it sure is nice to have some peace and quiet. Err...aside from that honking. ;)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)