Call Me a Cynic

On most nights, I hit the bed around 10. On most nights, it takes me a good amount of time to fall asleep. Things that have been or could be race through my mind. For a long time, and sometimes still, I keep things to myself. I have known people who speak their mind freely. And, while at times it was inspiring, it was also at times offensive. As an angsty teen, I wrote a lot. Of course, it was all kept personal back then. Rightfully so. But it was a release, and after I would scribble all my cares away in a notebook, I would feel better. A few times in adulthood, I have attempted to revisit that, in times of high anxiety and frustration.

So, as much as this has been an opportunity to share something that many people don't even think to care about, it has been for me. It has allowed me to clear my head before bed. To have that introspective moment (or twenty) to myself. At times, the things that come out are spur-of-the-moment and exactly how I feel right then and there. Other times, it's the things that I've thought long and hard about. Tonight, it's both.

I'm not going to apologize for anything. Just going to toss that out there.

Nobody apologized for mocking my desire to write about this. Nor name calling. People I once considered friends. For fuck's sake, some of them family (you know...distant). LITERALLY. It is my sincere belief that the first couple times I decided to share the thoughts racing through my head, I was thoughtful and considerate. It was never my intention to disrespect or offend anyone in Day One and Day Two. Hadn't even crossed my mind. Actually, I tried really hard NOT to. It had absolutely nothing to do with anyone but myself. But as the comments came out the morning of Day Three, I could see the old-school telephone game that had been played the night before and that morning. And I became really disappointed.

Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe it was playful teasing. But when you are ONE PERSON walking through a crowd of people yelling those things, it doesn't exactly feel like it's all in good fun. Did anyone consider that? Had someone made an attempt to say, "hey, you know we're just messing around....you know it's all part of the "show," right," I may have approached things differently.

Had someone approached me to say, "hey, what you said...not cool," I may have thought twice about it. But nobody did. Nobody has said anything. Anything. Had any one of those people actually thought of me as a friend, I would have expected them to confront me and say something. So what's a girl to do? Check herself?

I would love nothing more than to not care about all this. I would love to be able to say, "meh, fuck 'em."

But I do care. Because there were a few people who I really did consider to be friends.

And so, disappointment has plagued me again. So call me a cynic.